We’ve all been there. You’re at a coffee shop when someone nearby starts to struggle. Maybe they’re yelling, crying, or visibly upset. Your heart races. You want to help, but you’re not sure how. What if you make things worse?
Here’s the truth: most of us aren’t trained crisis counsellors, and that’s okay. But we can still make a difference. When someone is overwhelmed, isolated, or afraid, our calm presence can help more than we realize. Sometimes, the simple act of showing up with compassion is exactly what someone needs.
Let’s walk through five practical ways we can help when someone is in crisis.
Understanding What Happens in a Crisis
Before we jump into what to do, it helps to understand what’s actually happening when someone is in crisis. Not every crisis involves external danger. Someone might be overwhelmed by grief, having a panic attack, or experiencing a mental health episode. But here’s what happens: when our brains feel overwhelmed or out of control, they respond the same way they would to a physical threat.
The brain doesn’t always distinguish between real danger and psychological overwhelm. Whether someone is facing an actual threat or simply feels like everything is falling apart, the brain activates the same survival response. This is often called the fight, flight, or freeze response.
During this response, the thinking part of our brain (the prefrontal cortex) essentially goes offline while the emotional centre (the amygdala) takes over. Research using fMRI (functional magnetic resonance imaging, a brain imaging technology) has found that people experiencing stress show reduced activity in the prefrontal cortex and increased activity in the amygdala. This is why someone in crisis might not respond to logic or reason. They’re literally not able to access the reasoning part of their brain in that moment.
This shift in brain activity happens automatically as a survival mechanism. When the emotional brain takes charge, trying to reason with someone or convince them they’re wrong simply won’t work. Instead, our job is to help them feel safe enough that their thinking brain can come back online. That’s what these five strategies are designed to do.
Remember: We're Human First, Helper Second
Before we think about what to do, let’s remember what matters most. The person in front of us is scared, hurting, or overwhelmed. They’re not trying to make our day harder. They’re struggling.
When we approach with empathy, something shifts. People in crisis often mirror the energy around them. If we stay calm, they’re more likely to calm down too. Take a slow breath. Speak in a steady, gentle tone. Let them know we see them.
We might say something like, “I can see you’re really upset. I’m here if you want to talk.” Keep it simple. Keep it real.
Why this works: Our nervous systems are deeply interconnected. Neuroscientists call this co-regulation. When we stay calm, we’re not just modelling behaviour. We’re actually helping to regulate the other person’s nervous system. Our steady presence sends a signal: ‘You’re safe. We can get through this together.’
Give Them Space and Show We're Safe
Standing too close can make someone feel trapped. Let’s give them room to breathe. A good guideline is staying about two arm’s lengths away unless they invite us closer.
Our body language speaks louder than words. Crossed arms or clenched fists can feel threatening, even if we don’t mean it that way. Instead, we can keep our hands visible and relaxed, maybe with palms open. Angle our body slightly rather than facing them head-on. These small shifts help them feel less cornered.
Eye contact can be tricky. Too much can feel intense, but avoiding it completely might seem like we don’t care. Let’s keep it soft and natural. If they look at us, we can meet their gaze briefly and then glance away. If they’re avoiding eye contact, we’ll follow their lead.
Listen Without Fixing
This one’s hard for many of us. We want to jump in with solutions, but what people in crisis need most is to feel heard.
Let’s just listen. Really listen. We can nod occasionally, stay present, and respond with simple phrases like, “That sounds really hard,” or “I hear you.” We’re not trying to fix their problem right now. We’re just showing them they’re not alone.
Why this works: When someone feels truly heard, their stress response begins to decrease. Research shows that feeling understood activates the social engagement system in our brains, which helps calm the fight-or-flight response. Sometimes, being heard is the solution.
Offer Small Acts of Kindness
Sometimes the smallest gestures matter most. Can we offer them a glass of water? Walk with them to a quieter space? Sit with them for a moment?
If they seem really overwhelmed, we can help them come back to the present. We might gently ask them to take a few deep breaths with us, or try a simple grounding exercise:
“Let’s take a minute together. Can you tell me five things you see around us? Four things you can touch? Three things you hear?”
This helps shift their focus from panic to the present moment. It’s simple, but it works.
Know When to Call for Help (and Keep Ourselves Safe)
Here’s the most important part: if someone is in immediate danger, we need to call 911. If they’re threatening to hurt themselves or someone else, that’s when we reach for the phone. Our safety and theirs always comes first.
We’re not expected to handle everything on our own. Sometimes the best thing we can do is get professional help involved.
And let’s be honest about our own limits. If the situation feels dangerous or we sense things escalating beyond what we can handle, it’s okay to step back. We can position ourselves near an exit, ask someone else nearby to help, or simply remove ourselves from the situation. We don’t need to fix everything. We just need to help where we safely can.
What Happens After the Immediate Crisis?
Once the immediate crisis has passed, the person might feel embarrassed, exhausted, or confused about what happened. This is completely normal. The aftermath of a crisis can be just as challenging as the crisis itself. If it feels appropriate, we can gently suggest they talk to someone who can provide ongoing support. This might be a friend, family member, or a mental health professional. If the time and situation allows, we might be able to help them make a call or find resources. Once the immediate crisis has stabilized, ongoing therapy can help address the underlying issues that may have contributed to the crisis. At Cornerstone Family Counselling Services, our team provides support for individuals and families working through the aftermath of difficult experiences. Crisis moments often reveal deeper struggles that deserve attention and care.What If They Don’t Want Help?
This is one of the hardest situations we can face. We want to help, but the person pushes us away or insists they’re fine when they’re clearly not. Here’s what we’ve learned through years of working with people in crisis: we can’t force someone to accept help they’re not ready for. What we can do is plant a seed. We can let them know we’re concerned, that we’re here when they’re ready, and where they can find support. Sometimes, the best thing we can do is respect their boundaries while staying connected. Check in later. Send a text. Let them know you’re thinking of them. People often need time to process what happened before they’re ready to reach out.We Don’t Need to Be Perfect
The truth is, there’s no perfect way to help someone in crisis. We might say the wrong thing. We might feel awkward. That’s human.
What matters is that we tried. That we didn’t walk away. That we showed up with compassion, even when it felt uncomfortable.
If you or someone you know is struggling, professional support is available. At Cornerstone Family Counselling Services, our team is here to help. We offer evening and Saturday appointments, online therapy options, and work with individuals and families navigating difficult times.
Call us at 905-214-7363Â or email [email protected]. We’re located at 6341 Mississauga Road in Mississauga, serving communities throughout Peel Region.
Sources:
Harvard Health Publishing. (2024). “Understanding the stress response.” Harvard Medical School. https://www.health.harvard.edu/staying-healthy/understanding-the-stress-response
Harvard Health Publishing. (2021). “Protect your brain from stress.” Harvard Medical School. https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/protect-your-brain-from-stress
National Institutes of Health. “Functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging (fMRI).” NCBI Bookshelf. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK538909/
Arnsten, A. F. T. (2019). “Loss of Prefrontal Cortical Higher Cognition with Uncontrollable Stress.” Brain Sciences, 9(5), 113. https://www.mdpi.com/2076-3425/9/5/113
Crisis Prevention Institute: https://www.crisisprevention.com/blog/general/cpi-s-top-10-de-escalation-tips-revisited/
