You stand in front of your laptop for the third evening this week, browser tabs open with therapist profiles, doctor reviews, and comparison charts. Each one looks fine. Maybe even good. But what if there’s someone better?
So you close the laptop. You’ll decide tomorrow.
Except tomorrow, the same thing happens.
This cycle has a name: FOBO, or the fear of a better option. And if you’re feeling it more intensely lately, you’re not imagining things.
What FOBO Really Means
Patrick McGinnis, a venture capitalist and author who writes about decision-making, calls FOBO an “affliction of abundance.” What he means is this: when you have too many good options and too much information, choosing becomes harder instead of easier. Your mind gets stuck trying to pick the absolute best instead of moving forward with something good.
At its core, FOBO is really about anxiety. The nagging worry that somewhere out there, a better option exists. This makes committing to any choice feel risky, from everyday decisions to bigger ones like jobs, relationships, or which therapist to see.
FOBO shows up when you:
- Keep researching long past the point where you have enough information
- Hold multiple backup plans for everything, just in case
- Struggle to say a clear yes or no to important decisions
- Feel anxious about “closing doors” even on options you don’t really want
This isn’t about being indecisive or overthinking. Your brain is actually responding to a real problem: too many options with too little guidance on what matters for your specific life.
A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that when people face extensive choices, they report less satisfaction with their decisions and more regret afterward. More options sound appealing, but they often leave us feeling worse.
The Weight of Daily Decisions
Every choice you make, from what to cook for dinner to which school district to move to, uses up mental energy. Psychologists call this “decision fatigue.”
Research by psychologists Roy Baumeister and Kathleen Vohs showed that after making many decisions, people become mentally drained. They’re more likely to avoid making any choice at all, even when delay makes things worse.
In daily life, this looks like:
Putting off medical appointments because you’re still researching who’s “best,” staying in a draining job because switching feels risky, or saying yes to volunteering when you’re already stretched thin and then feeling guilty you can’t do more.
The mental load builds quietly until suddenly everything feels impossible.
When Decisions Carry Extra Weight
Some decisions feel heavier than others, and not just because they’re more important.
If you’re navigating life in a country where you didn’t grow up, simple choices can become complicated. Which neighbourhood is actually safe for your family? What do these medical terms mean? Is this normal here, or is it just this person?
You might find yourself translating for family members, researching systems no one explained to you, or trying to honour values from home while meeting expectations here. Each decision isn’t just about you. It ripples outward.
“What if this school isn’t right, and I hurt my child’s chances?” “My family sacrificed everything to get here. I can’t waste this.” “Will people understand why I chose this path?”
Research on acculturative stress shows that adapting to a new culture while maintaining connection to your heritage creates ongoing psychological strain. When you add constant decision-making on top of that stress, FOBO can feel crushing.
You’re not being “too careful.” You’re carrying a lot.
The Invisible Mental Load
Many women describe a constant background hum of responsibility: tracking appointments, managing family schedules, remembering everyone’s needs, coordinating care for children or aging parents, often while working full-time.
Research in Sex Roles journal found that women perform significantly more cognitive household labour than men, a pattern that holds across cultures and income levels. This constant mental work means making more decisions every single day, which drains the brain faster.
Women are also statistically more likely to experience anxiety and depression. When you’re already making more decisions than your partner and feeling pressure to handle everything perfectly, FOBO takes root easily.
You might catch yourself:
- Researching every option exhaustively before deciding
- Blaming yourself when things don’t go perfectly, even when circumstances were beyond your control
- Worrying about judgment from family, community, or colleagues
- Feeling like you’re failing, even when you’re doing everything you can
This isn’t sensitivity. This is your system responding to years of responsibility without enough support.
How FOBO Shows Up in Real Life
Here’s what this might look like day to day:
In health care: You know you should see someone about your anxiety or that ongoing pain. But which doctor? Which therapist? What if you don’t connect with them? The research phase stretches into weeks, then months. Maybe you’re also wondering if your concerns are “serious enough” to bother someone about.
In parenting: One expert says screen time is fine in moderation. Another says it’s damaging developing brains. Your mother-in-law has strong opinions. Your neighbour does everything differently and their kids seem perfectly fine. You’re caught between conflicting advice from people you trust, and none of it feels quite right for your family.
In relationships: You’ve been on five dates with someone who seems great, but you keep scrolling dating apps “just to see what else is out there.” Or you avoid making plans with friends because what if something better comes up? You’re stuck researching the perfect relationship advice, the ideal communication style, the right way to handle conflict—but never actually choosing an approach and sticking with it.
In work: You receive a decent job offer but can’t accept it because you’re convinced something better will come along. You take course after course—project management, data analysis, coding—but never commit to one path because what if you choose wrong? You keep your resume updated and browse job postings weekly, even though you’re not actively job searching. You’re paralyzed by the fear that committing to any direction means closing doors to better options.
In education: Your teenager is struggling, so you interview tutor after tutor, convinced the “right” one is still out there. You’ve considered switching schools, homeschooling, online programs, and special accommodations—but you’re paralyzed by the fear of choosing the wrong path when so many options exist. Meanwhile, your kid is still struggling because you’re stuck researching the “best” approach instead of trying one.
Over time, this pattern leads to burnout, emotional numbness, or a quiet sense that life is passing you by while you’re stuck… trying to choose.
Making Space to Breathe
There’s no magic solution, but there are gentle practices that help.
Here’s something most people don’t realize: FOBO isn’t actually about having too many choices. It’s about not trusting yourself to handle an imperfect outcome. We see this in our practice constantly. The person paralyzed between three good therapists isn’t really worried about picking the wrong one—they’re worried they won’t be able to course-correct if it doesn’t work out. The real work isn’t learning to choose better. It’s learning to trust that you can adapt, adjust, and make a new choice if needed. That’s the skill FOBO actually steals from you: the confidence that you’ll be okay even if your first choice isn’t perfect.
Get clear on what really matters
Before looking at options, pause. Ask yourself: “What are my top two or three values in this decision?”
Maybe it’s financial stability. Maybe it’s staying connected to your culture or faith. Maybe it’s simply having someone who speaks your language or understands your background.
When you know what matters most, it’s easier to let go of options that don’t fit, even if they look impressive on paper.
Limit your options
Research on choice overload suggests that fewer options actually lead to better satisfaction. Instead of reviewing every therapist in the city, pick three who seem like a good fit. Give yourself a deadline: “I’ll choose by Friday.”
This isn’t settling. It’s being kind to your tired brain.
Challenge the perfectionism story
Many of us carry a rule that says, “I must always make the perfect decision.” This rule is exhausting and often impossible.
Try a different story: “I’m allowed to make the best decision I can with what I know today.”
Perfect doesn’t exist. Good enough is actually good.
Practice with small choices
Build your decision-making confidence with low-stakes choices. Order food without reading every review. Pick a book without analyzing. Try something new for a month instead of forever.
These small practices teach your brain that imperfect decisions aren’t dangerous.
Talk to someone who gets it
Research consistently shows that social support protects mental health during times of stress. Sharing your dilemma with someone who understands your background, your family dynamics, or your cultural context makes a difference.
Not so they can decide for you, but so you don’t feel alone while you figure it out.
How Therapy Helps
Therapy offers a private space to slow down and notice your patterns without judgment.
In therapy, you can:
- Explore how your history, culture, faith and family expectations shape how you make choices
- Learn tools to calm your nervous system when you feel flooded with options
- Challenge beliefs like “If I choose wrong, I’ll ruin everything”
- Build confidence in your own wisdom and values
Our therapists understand that decisions don’t happen in a vacuum. Your history, your family’s journey, your language, your faith tradition—all of it shapes what feels possible and what feels risky. We pay attention to that context.
You don’t need everything figured out before you start. Therapy can be the place where you untangle expectations and start making choices that align with who you actually are.
If You’re Stuck Right Now
Try this:
Name one decision that feels heavy. Write down what makes it feel so loaded—past experiences, family expectations, worries about the future, etc.
Then ask: “If I didn’t have to find the best option, what would be a kind, steady choice for my life right now?”
Sometimes that question opens a door.
If FOBO and decision fatigue are affecting your sleep, your mood, your relationships, or your ability to function, professional support can help. You’re not weak for struggling with this. You’re human. You’re carrying a lot.
And you don’t have to carry it alone.
Our team at Cornerstone Family Counselling Services understands what it means to navigate decisions when there’s no simple roadmap. A brief consultation can help you figure out whether therapy might be useful and which therapist would be the best fit for your needs and background.
Sometimes the hardest decision is the one to ask for help. If you’re ready for that, we’re here.
